Short note to the readers of my blog.

While I was in the barn today doing my chores I started thinking about my blog. I started to think that I might've offended some of you with my liberal use of the word "Fag". When I say "Fag" I don't mean it as a slight against gays and/or lesbians. I guess you could say that I say "fag" when I really mean "effeminate", but “effeminate” really doesn’t do the trick that “fag” does. For those that are still pissed, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you have to be such fags about it.

An Open Letter to Marvel Comics.

Dear Marvel,

Okay. This is fucking bullshit.

I’m just about to sit down with my cup of coffee and write my weekly reaction to the readings in my T.S. Eliot to Missy Elliott course when I get this fucking news from my cousin.

The good news: There is an Ironman movie in the works.

Here’s the bad news: http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/16582004.htm


Justin… fag-fuck-bot Timberlake?!!!!!!

I’ll say it again.

JUSTIN

HOW!

WHY!

MARVEL YOU GREEDY MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

If this is a joke it’s in poor taste.

First you bastardize Peter Parker with that Toby kid, then you fucking retard-up Mary Jane with that Dunst bitch… Then you cast Halle Barry as Strom (for the titty factor) when you know full well Grace Jones is still alive. Now you want Justin Timerlake as fucking IRONMAN?! What… is that supposed to be fucking IRONIC?!

You guys are assholes.

If you do it, I’m totally never seeing another marvel movie again. I forgave you for the Daredevil shit… I’m still trying to get over Elektra (that’s going to take a while) but if you so much as do a fitting for Timberlake in the Ironman costume, I will never, ever forgive you. I will stop collecting Marvel properties and I will switch over to an independent publisher to get my comic book fix. IDW is looking h0t these days.

Marvel, don’t do it. Find someone else. Nick Cage isn’t doing Superman any more… Benicio Del Toro would be interesting... Maybe even Jensen Ackles from Supernatural, you’d just have to dye his hair or something! Just not Justin. Anyone but Justin. I can’t imagine him playing Tony Stark, multibillionaire alcoholic inventor. 1. he’s not smart enough looking 2. I bet he gets plastered off Shirley Temples. 3. He’s fucking JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE for fucks sakes!

Stop thinking about how you can get teens to love this movie. Think about the die hard fans for once. Try think beyond your bottom line. Come on guys, don’t be assholes about this. Please stop hiring faggy guys to play superheroes.

Sincerely,

N3rd-0

P.S. I realize that with all my complaining Timberlake will invariably become the first Iroman to hit the silverscreen, and sadly it's going to be Nagasaki all over again. FUCK. I once had belief in this crazy, mixed up world of ours, but the more I look at it, the more screwed up it looks. Planes crashing into buildings, Fire drills in schools are being replaced by "Lock-Down" drills, Tony Danza getting a daytime talk show (and people seem to like it) and now this... Satan is shivering, hell's starting to freeze over.

That’s some baaaaaad Englishing

Last week my phone line was hit by lightening. I called Bell via my cell and told them to send a repair person. They said the soonest someone would be available would be Wednesday. So, being Tuesday, I went out. When I got home I found the message below shoved in my mailbox. After ejecting my favourite expletive (COCKSUCKERS), I read the entire note and realized that I am, in fact, dealing with a bunch of retarded monkeys. You can read the whole thing or just the part circled.

Notice how it says, "If it is [working they mean] you have the following options" all of which are ways in which you can remedy a fucked up phone line. Jesus! Don't they have some one reading this before they print?

What's it say about a company, not just SOME company, but the major telecommunications company of a nation, what's it say about them when they can’t communicate what they’re trying to say? That smells like... umm... like… what’s that…

Irony.

Yea, that’s what that is.

Dear Rogers Wireless,

Oh Rogers, You shouldn’t have.

No really, you shouldn’t have.

Month after month you’ve been sending me letters. It seems like this has been going on for years now. On the 20th of each month I get a letter from you, just like clockwork. I didn’t pay them much mind until I got your card last month. Who knew you took our relationship so seriously? I didn’t mean to lead you on, really, I didn’t. And as for our anniversary… It takes two Rogers, it takes two.

Really though, think about it. What would people think seeing us walk hand in hand down the boulevard? Me being Filipino, and you a subsidiary of a multi-national corporation? We’d make an odd pair don't you think? I know, I know... love would blind us to how we looked… But Rogers, I just don’t feel that way about you. And besides, think about what our children would look like! Think about what they would have to go through, the daily ridicule and scorn of their peers, fear of people constantly shaking their cellphone in their face saying things like, "Why don't I have more BARS!!!??" and "Why do I get charged for calling my voicemail from my cell???!" and "6.95 System Acess Fee?! What the fuck is that!" Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about Rogers. Don't play coy with me, you know what I'm talking about. I’m sorry Rogers, but I just can’t handle that. It's not you, it's me.

Actually, that's a lie. It is you. You're creepy.

I want to keep this note as short as possible, and please, don’t read too much into that. I do have something more I need you to know though: I just don’t feel the same way about you that you feel about me. Your persistence at first was charming, and I do enjoy the Ambassador 20% discount we've got going, but you've stepped over the professional line and landed yourself in Creepyville.

Please, Rogers, stop sending me letters and cards reminding me of an anniversary that only you care for. It's embarassing for you and for me. Ours is a business relationship, nothing more. I hope that we can still be friends though, and that I won’t need to file a restraining order against you. And finally, no, I didn’t cheat on you with Emily from Bell. There's so much wrong with that accusation that I don't feel I need to get into here. Emily and I, We’re just friends, and besides, she’s too anal for me. Always with the questions, always trying to please. There's no challenge there.

Anyways, I know there's a Mr. Right out there for you, you just have to be patient. You're a swell subsidiary, you really are. You're just not my type. Sorry.

Best wishes,

n3rd-0

P.S. I know this isn't the best time, but... I’m thinking of switching to Virgin. You knew I’ve always had a thing for Virgins.