Grab a Magic Player when the Zombies Come.

When the zombie apocalypse finally arrives, you’ll be sorry you didn’t play Magic.

Thinking the following?

“Pssh-aw, zombies will never happen, it’s scientifically impossible because if their blood is coagulated and if their lungs don’t absorb oxygen, then their bodies won’t be able to produce adenosine triphosphate, a vital catalyst for muscle contraction.”

You sir or madam are being an asshole with your science, and that's not how science should be used.

When there is no more electricity running through those power lines out there to power the thousands of dollars you’ve sunk into your home theatre equipment, the Magic players will be laughing at your tear-stained control pads. They will cackle, machetes soaked with zombie gore and brains, when you come crawling to borrow a deck for Friday Night Magic at your local game store.

Thinking the following?

“But if there are zombies, why do you think that your LGS will still be holding FNM?”

Uhhh, duh? Zombies depend on their olfactory sense to locate and discern prey. A little known fact is that people that play Magic give off an undetectable scent that shares many properties with that of decaying corpses. Hint: It’s the smell of their chances of ever getting laid dying. Procreation is a step beyond what’s needed during the rise of the dead, and being distracted by the sweet rack swinging a bat at 10 o’clock leads to one thing. Zombification.

You pot bellied gamers, couch potatoes. Magic is game of skill, thought, and dexterity. What good will your thumb twitching do you during the coming apocalypse? Maybe if the zombies come with the Achilles heel of extremely sensitive nipples, maybe then, and only then will you be the vanguard against the undying hordes. But since that is highly unlikely, best to leave leading the charge to Magic players.

Magic players are Tacticians, Warriors, Planeswalkers. They know of Zombies, of Geists, of Werewolves, and Homunculi. They have, at one point or another, commanded them all; and I assure you, they’ve shuffled each of their mortal (or in this case, undead) coil.

Thinking the following?

“But card games are for children that can’t be trusted with delicate technology! Go back to stroking your Pokeballs, and while you’re at it, take a look in your Pokedex for something. It’s called a life!”

I assume you’ve never played the game, and your insolence will be tolerated. The assumption that Magic is anything close to Pokemon, shows just how unprepared for World War Z you are. Know this, when the dead rise, don’t look to be borrowing a mono-white from your local Planeswalker to protect you. They’ll be too busy infinite comboing the hordes to oblivion to let you fumble with their deck. Maybe they’ll let you sort mana or something, you can tell a tree from a plain, can’t you?

Magic is not like a video game where you can continuously repeat the same difficult sequence until you fulfill the proper combination of button presses thus allowing you to proceed through the level like some retarded-pavlovian dog. What was it that Einstein said regarding insanity? It’s defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And what kind of rewards such behaviour? Madness, I say. Once you cast it in Magic, it’s off to the graveyard. (Unless you have a Snapcaster, but that’s another story all together.) There are no do-overs, no mulligans, no retry from save point.

No, Magic is game of mental dexterity, where wins are all hard fought, and losses can be attributed to one mental misstep. It’s not a game of who react faster, it’s a game of who reacts smarter. Each turn involves many turns within it. Terms like “passing priority” and “spell resolving” litter each duel; this is a gentlemen’s game.

Thinking the following?

“Zombitches everywhere and you want to be civil?! This isn’t a time for tea and crumpets! BOOM HEAD SHOT!”

Typical gamer.

Civility and humility is what we’d need to survive as a people, and when the hordes are baking in the sun, a mass of unmoving corpses, it’s then that the Magic players will shine. We are rule follows and rulers; were are guardians. We are Plato’s philosopher kings. Our games are fraught with rules and while there are general rules, they are merely a frame work for the other rules contained on the cards themselves. A game where each card is a rule that changes the way the game is played? Nonsense, you say. Oh but it isn’t.

Magic players will be able to rebuild society. What will you do? Press X and try to skip to the good stuff? In Magic there’s no CGI movie to coddle you, reading every word to you since it would take you far too long to mouth each syllable until you understood. There is no internet for you to hide behind yelling your slurs and flinging insults. Sack up at a Magic table and tell an opponent all of the horrible things you’d do to their mother, try it, I dare you. This game is for the literate, for those that understand math, statistics, and probability. And best of all, shits analog. If the Zombies take over, at least it can be played it with the power out.

Trust me, Magic by candle light can be MAGICAL.