Grab a Magic Player when the Zombies Come.

When the zombie apocalypse finally arrives, you’ll be sorry you didn’t play Magic.

Thinking the following?

“Pssh-aw, zombies will never happen, it’s scientifically impossible because if their blood is coagulated and if their lungs don’t absorb oxygen, then their bodies won’t be able to produce adenosine triphosphate, a vital catalyst for muscle contraction.”

You sir or madam are being an asshole with your science, and that's not how science should be used.

When there is no more electricity running through those power lines out there to power the thousands of dollars you’ve sunk into your home theatre equipment, the Magic players will be laughing at your tear-stained control pads. They will cackle, machetes soaked with zombie gore and brains, when you come crawling to borrow a deck for Friday Night Magic at your local game store.

Thinking the following?

“But if there are zombies, why do you think that your LGS will still be holding FNM?”

Uhhh, duh? Zombies depend on their olfactory sense to locate and discern prey. A little known fact is that people that play Magic give off an undetectable scent that shares many properties with that of decaying corpses. Hint: It’s the smell of their chances of ever getting laid dying. Procreation is a step beyond what’s needed during the rise of the dead, and being distracted by the sweet rack swinging a bat at 10 o’clock leads to one thing. Zombification.

You pot bellied gamers, couch potatoes. Magic is game of skill, thought, and dexterity. What good will your thumb twitching do you during the coming apocalypse? Maybe if the zombies come with the Achilles heel of extremely sensitive nipples, maybe then, and only then will you be the vanguard against the undying hordes. But since that is highly unlikely, best to leave leading the charge to Magic players.

Magic players are Tacticians, Warriors, Planeswalkers. They know of Zombies, of Geists, of Werewolves, and Homunculi. They have, at one point or another, commanded them all; and I assure you, they’ve shuffled each of their mortal (or in this case, undead) coil.

Thinking the following?

“But card games are for children that can’t be trusted with delicate technology! Go back to stroking your Pokeballs, and while you’re at it, take a look in your Pokedex for something. It’s called a life!”

I assume you’ve never played the game, and your insolence will be tolerated. The assumption that Magic is anything close to Pokemon, shows just how unprepared for World War Z you are. Know this, when the dead rise, don’t look to be borrowing a mono-white from your local Planeswalker to protect you. They’ll be too busy infinite comboing the hordes to oblivion to let you fumble with their deck. Maybe they’ll let you sort mana or something, you can tell a tree from a plain, can’t you?

Magic is not like a video game where you can continuously repeat the same difficult sequence until you fulfill the proper combination of button presses thus allowing you to proceed through the level like some retarded-pavlovian dog. What was it that Einstein said regarding insanity? It’s defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And what kind of rewards such behaviour? Madness, I say. Once you cast it in Magic, it’s off to the graveyard. (Unless you have a Snapcaster, but that’s another story all together.) There are no do-overs, no mulligans, no retry from save point.

No, Magic is game of mental dexterity, where wins are all hard fought, and losses can be attributed to one mental misstep. It’s not a game of who react faster, it’s a game of who reacts smarter. Each turn involves many turns within it. Terms like “passing priority” and “spell resolving” litter each duel; this is a gentlemen’s game.

Thinking the following?

“Zombitches everywhere and you want to be civil?! This isn’t a time for tea and crumpets! BOOM HEAD SHOT!”

Typical gamer.

Civility and humility is what we’d need to survive as a people, and when the hordes are baking in the sun, a mass of unmoving corpses, it’s then that the Magic players will shine. We are rule follows and rulers; were are guardians. We are Plato’s philosopher kings. Our games are fraught with rules and while there are general rules, they are merely a frame work for the other rules contained on the cards themselves. A game where each card is a rule that changes the way the game is played? Nonsense, you say. Oh but it isn’t.

Magic players will be able to rebuild society. What will you do? Press X and try to skip to the good stuff? In Magic there’s no CGI movie to coddle you, reading every word to you since it would take you far too long to mouth each syllable until you understood. There is no internet for you to hide behind yelling your slurs and flinging insults. Sack up at a Magic table and tell an opponent all of the horrible things you’d do to their mother, try it, I dare you. This game is for the literate, for those that understand math, statistics, and probability. And best of all, shits analog. If the Zombies take over, at least it can be played it with the power out.

Trust me, Magic by candle light can be MAGICAL.

Memories of a Creative Writing Student

I started going through my old posts. Really going through my old posts. I even hopped over to the other blog that I started for a class I took at York with Professor Marcus Boon. I realized that I loved being in school, and that I was good at it. Fuck I'm S-M-R-T. (yes, that was intended to be facetious by leaving out the "A".)

I mean... The Tripartite Soul of Hip-Hop? Someone should really read that...

While reading I started to get a familiar feeling in my nose. Let me tell you about it. It feels like my sinuses are opening up, that I can breathe easier. Then it feels like a nose bleed without all the mess. That's how I explained it in one of my Creative Writing workshops. I said, "When I read something I like it feels like my nose is bleeding." From then on whenever I read something I loved by one of my fellow classmates I'd say, "That's definitely nose bleed material."

I read some of my posts and my nose felt that way. Is it Narcissism? Maybe. Possibly. Do I care? Not in the least. I think I have free license to be a little self-indulgent. I mean, look at all the assholes on twitter?

The Come Back?

It says that the last time I posted anything, it was February 24, 2009. Almost a year ago. WOW.

It took me a while to remember my password for it, and when I decided to look through some of the old posts I realized that the blog was inundated with photobucket ads saying that my account with them has been inactive for 90 days. More like a year by my count.

It's been so long since I've blogged and I'm not even sure I know how, or if my tone will fit in with the other posts I've posted. Oh well. Why start another blog, right? Reduce, Reuse, Recycle? Make this "Green"?

For those of you who may happen upon this, I do not promise to blog as often as I once did. Tried that before. Didn't work. I'll just post when I feel like posting, and if the addiction takes then so be it. Here's to 2010. Let's hope for my sake it's a year filled with words.

Game Review - Afro Samurai (XBOX 360)

4 word review:
button-masher computer cheats.

I don't know much about the intellectual property that the video game is based on, other than the fact that Samuel L. lends his voice to it; which by extension means there will be liberal use of explitives. In that respect, Afro Samurai does not disappoint. "Mother fuck" this, "I aint your gps, bitch" that. The graphics are all right. I understand that Afro Samurai is a cartoon and they have to stay true to the likeness. Having never seen the show I trust that they've been faithful. Nothing really in the game to tax the graphical power of the 360, nothing to blow you away.

This game is repetative. Area opens, cut scene done in a comic-bookesque frame style, bad guys spawn, hack, slash, cut off limbs, head, rinse and repeat. There are boss fights wherein the difficulty gets ramped up. Add to that the fact that the fucking computer is cheap and the game gets a bit "been there, played that."

The saving grace of this game is the soundtrack. Though it says "inspired by the Rza" you can rest assured we're talking Wu-Tang's 36 Chambers, and not Bobby Digital. The beats are addictive, the use of traditional japanense instruments sliced in such a way as to sound like a hip-hop-japanese-samurai fusion is, in the best Samuel L. I can muster, the motherfuckin' shit. It suprises every time, each new level is a new track and everyone is actually good!

Now the ugly. The camera is frenetic and stubborn. There were many times when I would swing the camera around to see what was behind Afro, and seconds later the camera would fight me and say, "look motherfucker, I want you to look this way." Ugh.

As a gamer I hate button combos. Press x,x,x,b,y to do the swooping crane slash. Shit like that is great if done well, if not it's cumbersome and taxing. This is especially true when they offer nothing to the game that enhances the experience when you can just as well press x,x,x,x,x and get through the game without having to press the back button to pull up the in-game move list. Game developers, if you're going to have us memorize button combos, at least make them DO SOMETHING THAT ENHANCES THE GAMEPLAY, and not simply take up valuable brain space that could be used for youtube search phrases and email logins and passwords.

Another sticking point is the focus mode. This is when you press the left trigger and the screen goes black and white, all enemies slow down and you can then charge your vertical or horizontal slash and use the left stick to aim where you want to hit. This sometimes ends in a very satisfying hit that slices off arms/legs/head what have you. Sounds cool right? It is, really. For the first 20 times that is. Then you realize that while you can choose up, down, left or right in terms of where you want to slash, the developers did not think "hey, maybe they'd want to slash the fucks coming up behind Afro!" Yea. No. I guess when they say "focus mode" they mean "tunnel vision".

Also, dying, though infrequent until you reach a boss battles, becomes annoying as you have to wait for the game to load your save point. This is common in most games, but there is simply no variety in Afro Samurai. Just a close up of Afro's face, eyes closed until load is complete, then Samuel L. yelling "AFRO!" then you're tossed back in the fray. Its really, really, really annoying after the 10th time. This is a classic case of less is more.

Now for the bosses. The first few are fine. You can beat them without any issue, any seasoned gamer will "get" what it takes to beat them. The later bosses though... man... fuck them. There is a boss that fires bazooka rounds and Afro has to deflect them back by a move he learns (conveniently) in that stage. I managed to deflect three rounds and I thought it was over. Nope, one more round of bazooka slicing. I tried to do it again, but I just couldn't. I reloaded the boss fight checkpoint at least 10 times, at this point I couldn't even deflect the bazooka shots in the first round. Frustrated, I shut off the xbox, swore profusely and called the game cheap. After a breather I booted it up again and was able to deflect the rounds. At the 4th round where I'd died before, I died yet again. Loaded the check point and then couldn't deflect. FUCKING CHEAP!!!! I vowed never to touch the game again and even thought about snapping the disc in half.

Then there's something called "Body Part Poker". Something about cutting off arms, legs, and heads to create suits. No idea since I don't play poker. It's cool, I suppose. But it's also gimmicky and glitchy. You are only allowed to "play" BPP at pre-programmed points in the game. Once when I was allowed to play BPP I guess I haden't moved far enough in the stage to trigger it and was left with only one enemy. You need 3 to finish a suit. Sucks.

Oh. And Afro can't swim. LAME. What is this? 2001? Why the hell would you go through the trouble of programming water into a game and not allow gamers to swim in it?!

Here's the math.

Graphics - 7/10
Audio - 10/10
Gameplay - 7/10
Level Design - 5/10
Hookability - chocolate covered coffee beans

Last words:

Would not finish. Buy soundtrack

↑↑↓↓←→←→ beats Guitar Queero any day.

I’m a gamer. Have always been, will always be. I’ve taken breaks here and there from the gaming world, but I always come back. I remember when games were good. Come on, who remembers Contra? One hit and you’re dead. Step off the screen the wrong way, you’re dead. Got no more lives and playing 2 player, steal one of your friends. Now that’s a real man’s game.

As a child I was the brat that had every system and just about every game. (Everything except for RPGs like FF, those are for homos.) My cousin, when ever we’re together and happen to be meeting new people, invariably, without hesitation, and without regards to the fact that this essentially cock-blocks me for the rest of the night (thanks, by the way) likes to tell the following tidbit concerning my attitude as a child:

When we were younger he had all the coolest toys and all the best video games. Thing is, he was really, REALLY selfish. He liked to hide the good games when we came over and when he finally got bored playing the old games, he’d take out the new games. He also didn’t let us play. Well, sometimes he’d let ME play, but I’d have to wash my hands first and Chris and Matt (our younger cousins) had to watch.

Yea. I was an asshole I guess, but in my defense:

1. I hid the games for the excitement value of it. Play the shitty games for a bit then LOOKY-LOOKY what I got BITCHES!
   
   
2. Yes, I had you was your hand because sweaty controllers were gross and you looked like you masturbated a lot.
   
   
3. I can’t really defend the Chris and Matt thing… Well, maybe the Matt thing. He’d always look at the stats when playing sports games.

Anyway, coming back into the game of gaming (har-har, punny pun) there’s a new breed of game and we can all thank this guy.

This happy fellow is Parappa the Rapper. He's credited with being the star of the first rhythm based game ever. He is responsible for games like the Dance Dance Revolution series, the Pump It Up series, as well as the guaranteed life-time virginity of the fans and players of each game. More recently in the rhythm based gaming scene a new giant has taken the stage. (and by “stage” I mean “couch” and by “taken” I mean “given thousands of jerks all the more reason to sit on”) This game company calls them selves Harmonix Music Systems. THE BALLS on them, EH? “MUSIC SYSTEMS” These jerks just pay royalties to use songs by real artists and musicians, then make controllers in the shape of musical instruments so you can push the right coloured button when it reaches the bottom.

Let's think about this for a minute. What is this new breed of game? Take away the music and the guitar/drum/microphone and what do you have? A bunch of coloured icons stream down the screen, press the right button when it reaches the bottom. Isn’t this just Space Invaders upside-down, with 4 more buttons, and a 199.99 price tag?

I hear you out there, “but the singing! What about the singing!”

You must have never been one of my family gatherings.Karaoke is fine for the first 4 hours, but an uncle, shit-faced, slurring the words, and screaming the words out with the mic reverb set to HIGH. Fuck, you'd hate karaoke, too.

P.S. Rockband/Guitar Hero sux. Play more Halo.

Leslie Roberts motherfuckers!

Long story short, my cousin got married and Leslie Roberts MCed the event.

Sidebar: I was pretty mashed later in the night and asked him, "Y0... so tell me, how old is Susan Hayes? She's haaaaaaht." His response was, "How old are you? 25? She's been on the air longer than you've been around." Then he dapped it and bounced.

Hip-Hop is Gay. Discuss.

It used to be cool, but when Lily Allen is more Hip-Hop than 50 cent is something went very wrong.

For those that want to argue that liking Hip-Hop isn’t homoerotic I offer the following points.

1. DMX got raped by a woman.
2. Baby and Lil’ Wayne openly kiss.
3. G-Unit nut-huggers can’t get enough fashion.

p.s. r&b makes me feel icky.