Urban Legend

I was on the 400 yesterday evening just plugging along in my big, bad-ass truck (a Dodge Ram 3500 Quad Cab Dually if you were wondering) when this little fire-fly of a car comes barreling up the passing lane. As it flies by and passes through my headlights to make the exit I realize as it slows to make the off ramp that it’s one of those quote-unquote SMART Cars. A fourtwo to be exact (Get it? “For Two” ‘cause it’s so small only two assholes can sit in it at one time?) You know the one I’m talking about. It’s the car that looks like it’s made by Fisher Price and powered by two D-cell batteries? The car that can’t do shopping at Costco because of the fact that Costco sell everything in bulk sized packaging? The car that’ll save you costs of a golf cart rental when you hit the links?

If you live anywhere in Canada and you get that car as your primary, all year round vehicle rather than simply your downtown-get-around you my friend are a fucking tool. I decided to look up the safety ratings on this particular vehicle and failing to find anything with the first few google sweeps, upon further digging I ended up stumbling upon the “safety selling points” Here’s what I found (parenthetical bashing is, obviously, my addition):

The Smart cars being manufactured in the present day incorporate safety measures proved to save lives and cause fewer injuries.

They include:

• Enhanced crumple zones. (Yea, the whole fucking car is a crumple zone)
• Three-point seatbelts. (That’ll do wonders since you’re about 10 inches away from all sides of the vehicle at all times.)
• Better front airbags. (It’s made out of Jiffy Pop)
• Vehicle Structural Design (whatever that means)
• Vehicle Size and Weight (are you kidding me? That’s a safety feature? Maybe it’s more of a convenience feature. For instance, when you get smoked in an accident, instead of prying your limp and lifeless body out of this glorified golf cart they can simply remove the wheels and you’ve got yourself a coffin.)
• Restraint Systems (Wasn’t that already mentioned?)

Skip, skip, skip… The Smart car’s Tridion safety cell absorbs the impact energy of the oncoming vehicle or stationary object. (Don’t you just love it when companies make up their own names for shit so that it sounds like it’s some kind of fucking amazing product? “Tridion” say it with me “Tree-dee-on” doesn’t that just SOUND safe? I’m sitting in a Tridion safety cell. Sounds like bullshit to me, might as well have named it the Celine Dion safety cell. Either way, you’ll still look gay in it.)

Blah, blah, blah… The Smart car’s Tridion safety cell absorbs the impact energy of the oncoming vehicle or stationary object. (I believe that’s called INERTIA.)

More BSing… The longitudinal and transverse members activate the crumple zone of the other vehicle and distribute the impact energy evenly over the safety cell. (Oh SNAP. They didn’t just pull out the “longitudinal and the transverse members”… I see two things wrong here: 1. using polysyallabic words to convince someone of your products safety is asinine. 2. depending on the crumple zone of ANOTHER MANUFACTURES CAR is just plain LAZY.)

Skip, skip, and skip... Thanks to the sandwich-type construction and raised seat position, the passengers are typically outside the direct hazard area on side impact. (The best analogy they could make as to the manufacturing of their vehicle’s safety construction was to make reference to the safest of all foods, the sandwich. Does sitting inside a sandwich make you feel safe? Not so much, huh. But my personal favorite is where they say “the passengers are typically outside the direct hazard area on side impact.” How is that possible when you can touch both windows at the same time? They have to be fucking joking or they mean you’ll be out of the hazard area, typically due to the fact that you’ll be outside the vehicle upon impact.)

Here we are again at the end of yet another post and I still haven't addressed the title, so here it is.

SMART CAR + SAFE = URBAN LEGEND

Man, fuck that car.

(this is my 100th post. YAY BLOG!)