I hate plastic surgeons and I hope they all fucking diiiiiiiiiiie

I was watching the idiot box when I happened upon the last few minutes of a show called "The Swan". There is something completely, fundamentally, and irrefutably so fucking wrong about that show. If you don't know what The Swan is all about, here's a synopsis: Women who think there is something wrong with how they look get a plastic surgery makeover.

Not a wardrobe makeover, not a make-up makeover, a plastic surgery makeover. If you grew up being told children’s stories like I did you’d be familiar with the story of The Swan. Essentially it’s the story of an ugly duckling that isn’t accepted until she becomes a beautiful swan. We can look at this story in two ways; firstly we can look at it as a story that tells children that they do not have any worth if they are not up to society’s standards of beauty. Secondly, a more preferable reading, we can look at the “ugly duckling” as being a metaphor for any perceived lacking that a person might have, that includes intellectually. Upon attaining, through hard work, that which the “ugly duckling” thinks they lack they are no long an ugly duckling, they’ve transformed themselves into a swan. (now isn’t that much better?) Anyway, with this second reading, the use of the story of The Swan in the television production is fucking repugnant.

At the end of the episode “The Swan”, is revealed to their family and their family proceeds to show their love by hugging and kissing their new sooped up mommy. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with that? I know what you’re thinking. It’s what she wanted, she wants to be beautiful. And actually, that’s what these Swans say. They’ve always wanted to be beautiful, they’ve always wanted to be just like the women in magazines. News flash, bitch. You’re ugly, and that isn’t the end of the world. How can you do something so fucking irresponsible and so incredibly damaging to your children as changing how you look? What the shit is this going to do to their self-esteem? Chances are the ugly-stick-beating that you received won’t skip their generation, won’t they, I don’t know, think that maybe since mommy got sooped up because she wasn’t happy with how she looked that they should too?

don't act like you don't.

I'm sure that some of you lonely cacks will appreciate all the strides and advancements being made in the interesting, fast-paced, hand-over-fist world of masturbation. I'm so sure of that that I'm putting up this post to talk about a site that most of you might not know about. I came across this site flipping through an old Maxim while I was dropping the Cosby Kids off at the pool. The site's www.jackinworld.com. They boast the slogan, "The Ultimate Male Masturbation Resource."

So I'm on it, and I immediately click on "Is My Penis Normal?" A helpful little window pops up and starts talking about 95% percent of the penis population. Then I read, "Try not to obsess so much about your penis" I think if I weren't at this site merely out of curiosity that suggestion would be a little late in coming. This is a site about MASTURBATION. If you need more than two ways to masturbate (I like the "usual" and the "stranger"), then obviously you're obsessing. Anyway, on with the adventures in petting pedro.

Next stop on the site was Techinques --> Reader Favourites Yes, favourites. I'm scrolling through, scrolling through when my eyes trace over the words "The Baggie and the Mattress" This peaks my interest so I read:

"Get a plastic sandwich baggie and put some Vaseline in it. Then put your penis in and squish all the Vaseline around so it covers your penis. Once that is done, kneel in front of a bed. Lift the up mattress and put your penis, with the baggie still on it, between the mattress and the box-spring. Start pumping as if you were having sex. When you're done, all you have to do is throw away the baggie."

Uhhh... Right here I hesitated. I was just about to close the window when I saw a small link underneath that read, "Read Comments" So i read some of the comments and they range from hilarious -- "yeah i assume this is a great technique, but i have been accustomed to the hand method and rubbing my hand accross my penis. also i have just tried that with 2 mattresses, 2 towels, 1 sock, and a plastic sandwitch bag. only thing is i used Shampoo, and my penis is burning right now (oww) , and my penis kept sliding out of the baggie, so that wasn't nice. If someone could please tell me how to do this it would be great. -13 male" to slightly disturbing -- "I used to do this in my sisters room as a kid. It started with an umbella bag and then a plastic grocery bag in between her matress . I would ejaculate like crazy." to down right sad "i am a married man 25 years old me and my wife works different shifts so during the day when no one is at my house this is my favorite technique. i love to lube the bag with lots of k-y for nice easy clean up in the shower. thanks"

So for all you lonely fuckers out there, this sites for you. Please don't reuse the sandwich baggies.

Seven minutes later...

It's been seven minutes. Why aren't I internet famous yet?! Goddamned fucking bullshittery. I thought I was supposed to have instant access to the world and vice versa! I thought that I would have a voice and that my voice would be heard! I thought that BY NOW I'd have some influence! Why have no supermodels offered to off themselves as a sacrifice to me? Why hasn't Ashton Kutcher stepped out into traffic to get "punk'd" by a Mac truck? Why hasn't Ashlee Simpson gotten that so needed nose job? Why hasn't Sponge George Square Bush stepped down from that cushy seat he's been warming for Hilary these past 4 years?! Why haven't the governments of the world taken my blogg site and made it their official state Religion?! WHY!

I'm just kidding. It's cold outside. I need some friction over here. (You hear me, Supercom worker?)

To appease my sudden urge to have a webpage (again)

Hi. I haven't done this shit in a long time. I was browsing through my hard drive and I ended up in a directory that held my now retired website. Those were the good ol' days. I invested so much time and effort into it, and now, being on the verge of 24 (quarter-life crisis), I have this urge to put my thoughts to html. or whatever this is.

First I thought I'd have a full blown page again, complete with flash intro, image maps, and ARCHIVES. But the idea of it made my balls hurt. I'm hardly feeling that at this particular moment. Maybe if I could've found a free domain provider, but those things have gone extinct. The only reason why I'm weary of becoming a "blogger" is because, if you know me, I'm very anti-anything-everyone-else-is-doing. Oh well, looks like I've started myself on the path of conformity. Anyway, this is the first of (possibly) many more entries. Check back when ever you can. With the convenience of posting that Blogger affords me, I'm sure I'll be on here bitching or praising something... sometime.