Maxipad Origami

There was always something about maxi pad and tampon commercials that gives me the willies. It’s not that I’m squeamish around the idea of the monthly slothing out of an unused uterine lining; actually I’m better than most men when dealing with that specific subject. I once sat through a 20 minute conversation between two girls whom I had been assigned to put together a presentation on Shakespearian poetry. I sat all through the one girl’s description of how her periods are always abnormally heavy, to which she went into great detail at describing what she could only term as “clumps”. When they finished their period-war-time stories they remarked at how I kept my lunch down. I’m a soldier, y0. Vagina doesn’t scare me. The thing that gets me about the commercials is the plot in most of these commercials.

As far as I'm concerned there are 4 genre of period commercials.

There's the type where the girl will do anything to get a specific brand of pad or tampon.

There's the next where the absorbency or easy of insertion of the pad or tampon is put to the test in a round-about non-offensive way.

Then there's the type where the pad or tampon is made analogous to a more desirable object, usually candy. You know what I'm talking about, that one commercial where the teacher is all, "Sally, I hope you have enough for the rest of the class." and she responds, "For the girls!"

Then there's the historical commercial, the whole "Always was there." slogan.

But Always, as is their modus operendi, have raised the bar. They've created a completely new breed of maxipad commercial. Here's what I saw:

So I’m watching the television last night while having dinner and taking a break from a riveting novel set in the Saskatchewan prairies, when I’m left almost choking on my spaghetti from a commercial by the cotton pony company Always. I didn’t really catch the whole commercial as I’m not the target group for this specific product, but from what I can piece together is that Always has made leaps and bounds in the area of period-soaker-uppers. Apparently they’ve come out with a pad that is not only awesome at absorbing, it’s also got some kind of lining or padding or something that makes it more comfortable to wear. Fair enough, but what really made me laugh, and I did laugh out loud, was their slogan. The commercial closes with the pad being covered in this new comfortable lining and the pad it self taking shape of a bed. The usually colours associated with a good nights sleep are present, and I vaguely remember there being starts and a crescent moon while the narrator says softly, “have a happy period.”

Ummm… who was the retard who thought of this?

A little research on the subject and it turns out that Always is making this their new go-get-em’ campaign slogan. Check out http://www.beingagirl.com/ and you’ll see what I mean. What the fuck is up with the maxipad origami? Goddamned fetishists. There everywhere these days.

Delving further into the webpage reveals a whole underworld of period well-wishing. There’s a link that boasts “Wish a Friend a Happy Period.” I couldn’t help it, I clicked. There I’m confronted with four choices of e-cards, I decide on the one with the most text. (Higher percentage of bullshittery) The card reads: “This is the time of the moth that chocolate was created for. This is the time when no toe nail should go unpolished. When going to the mall is enough of a work out, thank you very much. This is the time when, if something is even slightly annoying, the world should know about it. And if you feel like crying, there is no inappropriate time or place. It's your period. You have the right to make it the best period it can possibly be. And we're here to help. Have a happy period. Always.”
It's like... Barbie had her period.

Guys, don’t be surprised if I send you this shit. It’s just too ridiculous.