Post Secret Parody #2

Post Secret Parody #1

*http://postsecret.blogspot.com is a brilliant idea, i wish i thought of it first. I guess I'll just have to make fun of it as I still haven't worked out the whole "being able to go back in time" thing yet. But once i do...

A spike in Kleenex stock forecasted for this weekend

If you haven’t heard the news, here’s what’s up. For those of you lucky enough to have cable television provided by Rogers, free porno, yes, FREE, will be offered for your convenient viewing in the comfort of your own home for the entirety of this weekend. There will be three channels available for your perusal: A movie channel, an XXX "action clips" channel and a gay-oriented channel called Maleflixxx. Make sure you’ve got the right channel locked in before you gear down, or else you might be playing your own version of Russian Masturbatory Roulette finding that all chambers are loaded.

You’ve been warned.

In response to the news, while some are elated, gushing even, to no surprise, some people have already started to get their panties wet* about it. I mean that in the most negative of connotations, rather than using “wet” in the anticipatory skew it can be taken by those few dirty minded individuals who read this blog. To say it in another way, just to be clear (and to get another double-entendre in there while I’m at it) some people don’t want moving pictures of men and women bumping woohoos on their boob tubes this weekend.

From the Globe today:

"Quite frankly, I'm shocked they're [Rogers] going this route," said Susan Shetler, the founder of the Oshawa, Ont., chapter of lobby group Canadians Addressing Sexual Exploitation.

"I don't know what the purpose of this is. If people want that kind of entertainment they know where to get it. . . . I don't think we need it for free viewing."

Well Susan, the purpose of it is tripartite:

1. Not all people who want to watch porno are greasy 45 year old men who live in their parents basements. I know it’s hard to believe, but some couples think it’s “hot” to watch porn together.
   
   
2. Yes, they know where to get it, but who wants to drive out to the porno shop at 11 pm just because you want to get busy with the Mrs., only to bump into someone you know? This is a service of great convenience! And for god’s sake, it’s one weekend. People would buy the cow if they could get the porn for free. Ted knows that. That leads us into part 3.
   
   
3. Ted Rogers can make a killing by having “Porno On Demand”
   

Canadians Addressing Sexual Exploitation. Hmmm. What exactly is your fight here? Where exactly is the sexual exploitation in pornography other than the bastardization of something natural and beautiful in the pursuit of money? I’m sure your organization isn’t a consumer watch-dog group hell-bent on seeing that there are fair charges for porno flicks. (and 19.99 a month is a great price. That's more T&A than you can shake a dick at.) But yes, I hear you, “The women! The women are being objectified!” Oh Susan, are you sure your ideas of what pornography has become aren’t antiquated and lagging behind reality?

Now I’m not a porno connoisseur or even an aficionado, but I have seen my share of skin flicks and documentaries on pornography, so let me drop some science on the subject at hand.

Yes, I agree that the history of porno is seedy and some young women have been coerced into the porn scene by promises of fame and money, but the reality is: some of them WANT TO BE IN PORNO. I mean, have any of you seen the AVN Awards, the yearly awards ceremony “dedicated to recognizing the outstanding products and talented individuals that have contributed to the advancement of the adult entertainment industry”? Have you seen the women that win and stand on stage, hoisting their AVN trophy saying, “I never thought I could get paid so much for doing something I love.” Or even more succinctly put, “Sucking cock rules!”

This is what I think:

Sluts are a fact of life,

and the negative connotation surround them is just unfair! We must learn in our already accomondationist society to accept the slut and provide them, male or female, with a place they can exist without fear of prejudice or fear of Viagra addiction. Sluts in a controlled environment, where they must be checked out for sexually transmitted disease before shooting even begins, is far better than allowing them to roam freely. Base Borden is a perfect example of what happens of a sluts sluttiness is allowed to act unchecked.

I’m getting off track like a commuter train in China, back to the idea of exploitation in pornography.

If we look at the ratio between what female starlets are paid versus their male counter-parts we might see that those suffering from exploitation are actually the dudes in prono. But then again, most guys would that probably would do it for free, so I guess shit balances out. Where is the exploitation? Are we just talking in terms of blaming the “sons and daughters” of pornography for the sins of their “fathers and mothers”? That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?
But about the free porn this weekend that will soon have guys and gals all over the GTA reaching for the Kleenex all weekend: The channels will be restricted and will require the entry of a PIN number to watch. If parents are so careless as to not change their PIN**, or are worse, not around for the entirety of the weekend, then it’s not Ted Rogers’ fault for providing the service. These absentee parents are to blame.

I could go on and on about how pornography is a creation of the Victorian period and how it was decided that no one could watch, read, or in anyway enjoy it, with the exception of a few “dignified and mature” men, but I won’t. I’ll just say there are worse things in the world than porno. Trust me.

*The words “panties” and "wet" do not refer exclusively to those of the fairer sex. A cousin of mine, male, called his underwear “panties” as a child. I have vivid memories of him yelling, “Mommy, where’s my panties!” as he got ready to take a bath. It is a merely coincidental that person reached for commenting from CASE was in fact a woman.

**If you haven't changed your pin, the pin is zeros.

The more Lesbians the better, I say.

So I got something in the mail the other day that caught my eye. Usually when I see junk mail addressed to me, I rip off my address and toss it in the recycling bin. This time though, as I said, it caught my eye. On the plain white envelope words, in what I suspect is bold Trebuchet, just above the window where my name and address peek out was the phrase:

Help Defend Traditional Marriage

“Hmmm… This should be good,” I thought. So I pulled out my trusty wooden, hand carved, African Art envelope open and went to town. The header on the letter read, “Campaign Life Coalition” Between the words “Life” and “Coalition” there was a clipart, black and white rose.

The opening salutation reads, “Dear Friends of the unborn and the family,” Nice, I thought, set the tone right away. The first paragraph of the letter went on for forever explaining how the Campaign Life Coalition has been working with the many new prolife MPs who were elected in Ontario. Blah blah blah, realities of a minority parliament… skip skip skip… encourage our polititicians to respond to the urgent need to fill the legislative void that exists in Canada with respect to the unborn… blah, blah, blah. I won’t touch the subject matter abortion with a meter stick, so I’ll keep my comments in that respect to myself.

Reading the first paragraph I wondered if the call to arms on the envelope was just false advertising, but then in the third paragraph I found what I was reading for:

“A less welcome change has been the shocking, quick and sudden gains made by the homosexual movement in its assault against the institution of marriage.” There’s an ass-assault joke here, but I’m mature enough to avoid it. (no I’m not, I’m all about the dick n’ ass jokes) But the image this sentence conjures up is frightening, isn’t it? Gays and Lesbians decked out in matching camouflage khakis, armed with strap-ons and astro-glide tubes, “assaulting” the institution of marriage. THE HORROR.

I’m being facetious, people. I don’t dislike gays, and I find lesbians intriguing, and in certain circumstances quite fashionable. I say I don’t dislike gays, but I’m not fond of them. The fact that I’ve had many “you’re not gay? Well, you can’t blame a guy for trying” instances has soured me on them to a degree.

Exhibit A – When I was 16 I went to the Philippines for my Grandmother’s 1 year death anniversary. While I was ballin’ at the local basketball court a family friend I hadn’t seen in Canada for a while came swaying his hips towards the court. He called out my name as I took aim for a shot. I turned as I launched the ball, which was invariably swatted.

I turned to see Eiking, pronounced, “ee-king”. His hair was shoulder length, blonde, he was wearing tight-ass jeans, his nails manicured, his mid-riff exposed. I vaguely remember his shirt. Black mesh. I must’ve muttered, “Oh shit.” Or something to that extent because my cousins and their friends started laughing as Eiking made his way towards me.

He stuck out his hand and I shook it. All I could say was, “Hey, how are you?” He started talking to me, real comfortably, and within five minutes, he asked me, “Do you accept gays?” I looked at him, his broken English was like a bear trap. How did he mean it? One misstep and I could look like a total pillow-biter. I said, “Uhh, yea. They’re cool.” He smiled.

Later that night my cousin Avel took me to a night club where Eiking and his friends were at. I got SMASHED off some San Miguel, and was feeling good y0. One of Eiking’s boys had been coming to me all night asking to use my lighter. I was like, “yo, sure dude. Lemme light it for you.”

PAUSE

See that, right there? Is that considered an open invitation for gays to start hitting on me? I don’t know for sure, but as I got more and more smashed, the more and more this dude started hitting me. I thought he was being nice, but looking back he was a little too friendly.

Exhibit B – Setting, Glendon. Year one. During an exam the pen of the dude beside me exploded all over his hands. I felt sorry for him so I gave him some tissues and an extra pen. He bounced before I could get my pen back, but it was all good. Next week he came to class with a small, neatly tied package. It was an expensive pen from the York book store. I handed it back to him and said, “Look dude, it’s all good. I can’t take this.” He smiled, and seriously, he batted his lashes at me. He said, “It’s okay, you keep that one and I’ll keep the one you lent me.”

I started to sit way in the front of the class after that.

Exhibit C – Again, Glendon. Cafeteria. I was sitting there minding my own shit when this guy, I can’t remember his name, but called him Barney, like the dinosaur, came over to where I was sitting. He was a big black dude, really nice, but smelled like a hamburger left out in the sun. Anyway, he struck up a conversation about ninjas. Yes, ninjas. I thought it was weird, but I went with it. Hell, who among us doesn’t like ninjas? Little did I know this was his lead in to his pick up line.

“Wanna come to my room and see my sword?”

*Shiver*

Exhibit D – Christmas, 2001. My cousin Jack* is gay. We all know it, while he tries to hide it. The saddest thing I ever saw was when I went to his house this one time years and years ago. All over his house there were copies of playboy magazine, stacks after mother fucking stack of skin books. In his room where Danny and I setup his super Nintendo there were piles of straight porn VHS tapes. I had never seen such an impressive collection of pornography in my life. The sad thing was, Jack was covering up his gayness by piling on the male hetero-spank material.

Anyway, back to Christmas 2001. My cousin Jack’s boyfriend Will* was down in the basement with us kids getting smashed. He was showing off, trying hard to fit in, drinking as much vodka as he could straight from the bottle. I was pretty tipsy. As Will left to go upstairs, he rubbed mine and D’s belly. RUBBED MY BELLY. His hand dipped, I think and I wonder, were we molested that night?

So yes, you can see why I’m a little skittish around gay dudes.

Back to the letter though. In paragraph three Mr. Jim Hughes, sender of the letter I received, explains, “In Ontario, the McGuinty Liberals, with the full support of the PC Party led by pro-same-sex-marriage leader John Tory and the NDP, recently rammed through the legislature a new law, which has now established same-sex marriage as a legislative fact in this province.”

Yes, he wrote, “rammed”

Continuing, “We cannot tell you how each member of the legislature voted on this crucial bill because the three parties conspired to ensure that there was no recorded vote on the issue.”

Yes, a big, GAY conspiracy. That’s exactly what it was, Jim. It’s like those 1950’s movies where the aliens invade the earth and take up political jobs, pretending to be humans so that they can rule the world. But instead of aliens they’re gays, instead of the 1950’s it 2005, instead of the movies it's real life, and instead of the world it’s just Ontario.

Run Jim, run for the hills, the gays are coming.

Through the remainder of paragraph 4, well into paragraph 5, Jim demonstrates his willingness to give Frank Klees, PC MPP for Oak Ridges, a hand job for his valiant effort at trying to keep the gay man and woman down. Jim writes, “Frank Klees stayed true to his word as a pro-marriage MPP and defied Premier McGuinty and even his own PC leader John Tory when he stood in the legislature and asked for a recorded vote on the Ontario Same-sex “marriage” bill. Frank deserves our thanks, gratitude and continued support and respect for this display of integrity and courage.”

Integrity and courage. Yes, it takes a lot of Integrity to be a hate-monger and vote scrounger. And courage? Why, YES. It takes a REAL man to bash a group of people who have been bashed since the Puritans said ass-fucking and beaver pelting (for women) wasn’t cool.

Finally, the last five paragraphs was Jim’s heartfelt plea for help. Here are some more quotes as I’m too lazy to actually form coherent paragraphs and witty verbiage to introduce them.

“These successful ventures have been very expensive for the CLC and have left many of our staff and volunteer exhausted; yet we carry on.”

Yes, it must be very hard to bash gays and lesbians from the comfort of your retirement pension. And yes, keep fighting the “good fight” from your walkers and motorized Rascals.

“We are now just days away from the 2nd reading vote on Bill C-38, the Chrétien-Martin Liberal plan to impose on Canadians a diabolic redefinition of marriage and to destroy traditional marriage and the family.”

How does allowing gays and lesbians to marry DESTROY “traditional marriage”? Let alone destroy “the family”? Is the family and marriage so feeble that a couple of plaid vest wearing dikes with nicely cropped hair hitching the ball and chain to each other some how has an affect on heterosexual marriage?

I don’t have anything witty to say after all that. So I guess the post stops here.

N3Rd-O


Post Script – Hate, even in tidy letters, with roses in the header, sucks.

Post Script Script – yes, that’s what P.S. stands for. They used to charge extra for it on telegrams.


*names changed I’m not sure if both still pretend to be straight.