A spike in Kleenex stock forecasted for this weekend

If you haven’t heard the news, here’s what’s up. For those of you lucky enough to have cable television provided by Rogers, free porno, yes, FREE, will be offered for your convenient viewing in the comfort of your own home for the entirety of this weekend. There will be three channels available for your perusal: A movie channel, an XXX "action clips" channel and a gay-oriented channel called Maleflixxx. Make sure you’ve got the right channel locked in before you gear down, or else you might be playing your own version of Russian Masturbatory Roulette finding that all chambers are loaded.

You’ve been warned.

In response to the news, while some are elated, gushing even, to no surprise, some people have already started to get their panties wet* about it. I mean that in the most negative of connotations, rather than using “wet” in the anticipatory skew it can be taken by those few dirty minded individuals who read this blog. To say it in another way, just to be clear (and to get another double-entendre in there while I’m at it) some people don’t want moving pictures of men and women bumping woohoos on their boob tubes this weekend.

From the Globe today:

"Quite frankly, I'm shocked they're [Rogers] going this route," said Susan Shetler, the founder of the Oshawa, Ont., chapter of lobby group Canadians Addressing Sexual Exploitation.

"I don't know what the purpose of this is. If people want that kind of entertainment they know where to get it. . . . I don't think we need it for free viewing."

Well Susan, the purpose of it is tripartite:

1. Not all people who want to watch porno are greasy 45 year old men who live in their parents basements. I know it’s hard to believe, but some couples think it’s “hot” to watch porn together.
   
   
2. Yes, they know where to get it, but who wants to drive out to the porno shop at 11 pm just because you want to get busy with the Mrs., only to bump into someone you know? This is a service of great convenience! And for god’s sake, it’s one weekend. People would buy the cow if they could get the porn for free. Ted knows that. That leads us into part 3.
   
   
3. Ted Rogers can make a killing by having “Porno On Demand”
   

Canadians Addressing Sexual Exploitation. Hmmm. What exactly is your fight here? Where exactly is the sexual exploitation in pornography other than the bastardization of something natural and beautiful in the pursuit of money? I’m sure your organization isn’t a consumer watch-dog group hell-bent on seeing that there are fair charges for porno flicks. (and 19.99 a month is a great price. That's more T&A than you can shake a dick at.) But yes, I hear you, “The women! The women are being objectified!” Oh Susan, are you sure your ideas of what pornography has become aren’t antiquated and lagging behind reality?

Now I’m not a porno connoisseur or even an aficionado, but I have seen my share of skin flicks and documentaries on pornography, so let me drop some science on the subject at hand.

Yes, I agree that the history of porno is seedy and some young women have been coerced into the porn scene by promises of fame and money, but the reality is: some of them WANT TO BE IN PORNO. I mean, have any of you seen the AVN Awards, the yearly awards ceremony “dedicated to recognizing the outstanding products and talented individuals that have contributed to the advancement of the adult entertainment industry”? Have you seen the women that win and stand on stage, hoisting their AVN trophy saying, “I never thought I could get paid so much for doing something I love.” Or even more succinctly put, “Sucking cock rules!”

This is what I think:

Sluts are a fact of life,

and the negative connotation surround them is just unfair! We must learn in our already accomondationist society to accept the slut and provide them, male or female, with a place they can exist without fear of prejudice or fear of Viagra addiction. Sluts in a controlled environment, where they must be checked out for sexually transmitted disease before shooting even begins, is far better than allowing them to roam freely. Base Borden is a perfect example of what happens of a sluts sluttiness is allowed to act unchecked.

I’m getting off track like a commuter train in China, back to the idea of exploitation in pornography.

If we look at the ratio between what female starlets are paid versus their male counter-parts we might see that those suffering from exploitation are actually the dudes in prono. But then again, most guys would that probably would do it for free, so I guess shit balances out. Where is the exploitation? Are we just talking in terms of blaming the “sons and daughters” of pornography for the sins of their “fathers and mothers”? That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?
But about the free porn this weekend that will soon have guys and gals all over the GTA reaching for the Kleenex all weekend: The channels will be restricted and will require the entry of a PIN number to watch. If parents are so careless as to not change their PIN**, or are worse, not around for the entirety of the weekend, then it’s not Ted Rogers’ fault for providing the service. These absentee parents are to blame.

I could go on and on about how pornography is a creation of the Victorian period and how it was decided that no one could watch, read, or in anyway enjoy it, with the exception of a few “dignified and mature” men, but I won’t. I’ll just say there are worse things in the world than porno. Trust me.

*The words “panties” and "wet" do not refer exclusively to those of the fairer sex. A cousin of mine, male, called his underwear “panties” as a child. I have vivid memories of him yelling, “Mommy, where’s my panties!” as he got ready to take a bath. It is a merely coincidental that person reached for commenting from CASE was in fact a woman.

**If you haven't changed your pin, the pin is zeros.