Tips for Surviving a Canadian Winter

1. Gloves are good, but if you lose one, throw out the other. The one ungloved hand will be jealous and will thus feign having “a headache” when you want to get down.
   
   
2. Hats are good, toques are better. Hoods are great, but the “double-hood” is the shit.
   
   
3. For my male readers: While the scrotum naturally reacts to cold weather by contracting to bring your nuts closer to your body for warmth, in this case, Mother Nature, being a woman, does not know best. Due to the extreme nature of the Canadian Winter you might want to put your wedding tackle in a wool sock to provide extra snuggliness for Mr. Happy.
   
   
4. Drink a lot of water, in extreme circumstances a full bladder can provide an instant, albeit temporary, blast of heat. Note: If you decide to expend this limited heat source make sure you are within fifteen minutes walking distance of the next heat source (a building, the bus, your boyfriend's car) as you might find yourself frozen to the side walk.
   
   
5. Do the, “I love myself walk” when out in the cold. This requires that you hug yourself and burry your chin in your chest. Self love is hotness and with big jackets, no one will know you're doing it. Hotness.
   
   
6. For my female readers: insert your own "nipples that could cut glass" joke here.
   
   
7. Carry A535 ICE. If you forget to wear Jonathans (long jons) liberally spread some of that A535 all over your body when no one is looking. It’ll be cold at first, but after 8-12 seconds you’ll be burning. Chemical burns give you a deeper warmth than any you’ve ever felt. Trust me.
   
   
8. If you have a laptop, turn it on and shove it in your backpack before you head out. Instant heater.
   
   
9. Balaklavas might seem like a good idea, but you might get beat down for being a terrorist. I advise against them. For alternatives, see 1. (Who the fuck named them balaclavas… that even sounds like a weapon. Goddamned Brittons.)
   
   
10. If 1-9 fail, try self-immolation. Make sure no firemen are near as they will attempt to put you out. Goddamned Heroes.