Dear Rogers Wireless,

Oh Rogers, You shouldn’t have.

No really, you shouldn’t have.

Month after month you’ve been sending me letters. It seems like this has been going on for years now. On the 20th of each month I get a letter from you, just like clockwork. I didn’t pay them much mind until I got your card last month. Who knew you took our relationship so seriously? I didn’t mean to lead you on, really, I didn’t. And as for our anniversary… It takes two Rogers, it takes two.

Really though, think about it. What would people think seeing us walk hand in hand down the boulevard? Me being Filipino, and you a subsidiary of a multi-national corporation? We’d make an odd pair don't you think? I know, I know... love would blind us to how we looked… But Rogers, I just don’t feel that way about you. And besides, think about what our children would look like! Think about what they would have to go through, the daily ridicule and scorn of their peers, fear of people constantly shaking their cellphone in their face saying things like, "Why don't I have more BARS!!!??" and "Why do I get charged for calling my voicemail from my cell???!" and "6.95 System Acess Fee?! What the fuck is that!" Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about Rogers. Don't play coy with me, you know what I'm talking about. I’m sorry Rogers, but I just can’t handle that. It's not you, it's me.

Actually, that's a lie. It is you. You're creepy.

I want to keep this note as short as possible, and please, don’t read too much into that. I do have something more I need you to know though: I just don’t feel the same way about you that you feel about me. Your persistence at first was charming, and I do enjoy the Ambassador 20% discount we've got going, but you've stepped over the professional line and landed yourself in Creepyville.

Please, Rogers, stop sending me letters and cards reminding me of an anniversary that only you care for. It's embarassing for you and for me. Ours is a business relationship, nothing more. I hope that we can still be friends though, and that I won’t need to file a restraining order against you. And finally, no, I didn’t cheat on you with Emily from Bell. There's so much wrong with that accusation that I don't feel I need to get into here. Emily and I, We’re just friends, and besides, she’s too anal for me. Always with the questions, always trying to please. There's no challenge there.

Anyways, I know there's a Mr. Right out there for you, you just have to be patient. You're a swell subsidiary, you really are. You're just not my type. Sorry.

Best wishes,

n3rd-0

P.S. I know this isn't the best time, but... I’m thinking of switching to Virgin. You knew I’ve always had a thing for Virgins.