I just wanted to play as Ironman.

Here’s the Plot: Some guy is making new villains and wants to take over the world. So this guy who is turning all the assholes into imperfects is actually an alien from some fucking backwoods galaxy. a bunch of refugee aliens came to his planet seeking asylum. But it turns out they were just part of an invasion. So he and some other assholes from his planet get on a spaceship and high tail it for earth. And, apparently, that's why there are now imperfects. Or something. You can’t really call it a plot twist, it’s one of those “WTF?” endings. Sorta like that spielberg movie AI when the Aliens come down at the end. It’s always the fucking aliens with these guys. Jesus! When the grays do eventually come they’re going to be pissed. “Not cool guys. Not cool,” they’ll say before they zap us with their death rays.

ANYWAY, back to this game.

I remember when I read about this game coming out. Instantly I thought, “OH COOL!” How many games are out there where you have the option of playing so many of the marvel properties in one sitting? Not many, I can tell you. I’m actually not sure if there have been any since the SNES was the shit, and the again it was just that poor port of the awesome Avengers arcade game.

Now that the Marvel universe has been updated and we’re past the 80’s comics with their 80’s hair and obviously homosexually inspired costumes, this game, I thought, was going to make me lose my girlfriend. Now don’t get me wrong, the game is fine. I actually finished it so it wasn’t that bad. I loved the fact that the art is darker, not so cartoony like the Ultimate Spider-man cell-shaded stuff. (Although I do love the cell shaded shit, EA made the right decision hiring Jae Lee to hook up the visual) I love the presentation of the new Nemesis characters, the way we are given movies for their origins that I suspect were done by process of reverse CGI. Reverse CGI is the shit, preparing to launch into a diatribe on the brilliance of Reverse CGI… in 3… 2… 1…

Reverse CGI is the process by which real images are made to look CGI’d. It takes a lot of money to get CGI characters to look real, and a whole shit-load less to make real video images look CGI. The only problem with R-CGI is that you can’t really have a whole game done in it. It’s more of a special effect for video games. It’s kinda like putting a filter on top of an image and seeing it that way.

But even with the great visuals, the ability to play as a whole bunch of Marvel characters, and the awesome music that plays when you win, please… make no mistake, MARVEL NEMESIS: RISE OF THE IMPERFECTS

HATES YOU.

It will make you break your controller, it will make you scare your dog by way of sudden bursts of heart-felt four-letter expletives (as well as some compound swears such as “Holy motherfuckingbullshit!” and “ohmyfuckinggodthat'sbullshitfuck!” and the ever propular, “SHITSHITSHIT!”)

When I first fired up the game I was treated to my first ever experience of vicariously living the life of Ben Grimm (THING from Fantastic Four if you didn’t know.) through my XBOX. The way the ground shook when THING leaped and landed made me quiver. EA GAMES had me at hello.

After finishing the THING campaign in record time, I moved into the Wolverine campaign. This is where the pain started. It wasn’t so bad running around the ransacked Avenger’s Mansion, trying to figure out why the fuck all these freaky alien-types were having a house party. That was perfectly fine, fun too. Then I met “THE WINK”. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I have never had a more brutal experience.

First I took it slow, trying to figure out what the pattern was, how I could beat this chick who kept *BAMFING* in and out of the path of my adamantium claws. She kicked my ass and I tried again… and again… and again… and again… until I said, “Okay, ONE MORE.” In that final “go” she raped my ass in about 20 seconds. I didn’t touch that game for a month.

If there’s one thing I hate about this game it’s the cheap shots. Holy Jesus Juice, are there ever any problems with that. Say you get knocked on the ground, well, you might as well put your fucking controller under your nut-sack and enjoy the rumble force-feedback that way because that’s it for you. You’re pretty much toast.

One detail that I loved about this game though was that in the story mode you can only follow 4 characters at a time. When you finish all the campaigns for the four characters you’ve got, say… THING, WOLVERINE, DAREDEVIL, ELEKTRA, you basically have to choose one who gets to die. And the best part is you actually get to kill them! This is how EA decided to introduce their new “NEMESIS” characters. It’s pretty slick and great for when you’re finished a campaign where you realize the hero you were using was a complete sack of horse shit. I especially enjoyed this feature when I finished Daredevil’s campaign.

Fuck you Ben Affleck, die bitch! Die!

In summation: This game is like cancer. Once you beat it, you’re happy, relieved, but are unsure if you’d want to do it all over again.

PS. Ironman is mean, and why is he British? Tony Stark is an alcoholic, not British.

Just recently informed that I didn’t need to beat the game to play as Ironman. I didn’t even need to put in a cheat code. After every 4 fights in versus mode you unlock a character.

Mother fuckers.