Froster

As some of you may or may not know, I live on a farm. If you don’t know, now you do. Living on a farm has its up sides and down sides. Ups include naked backyard fun, pissing on the driveway after a long night/morning of drinking, and never having to see your neighbours unless you see their house is on fire (you’d think this a rare occurrence, but it’s happened twice.) The down side, while they don’t topple the up sides, are (in no particular order since they're all pretty shitty): shovelling shit in the hot hot sun, 5 full tanks worth of grass cutting per sessions, and no cable. Then there are those neutral issues. Since there is no city water up here we have a well. Not one of those bucket-n-rope deals, it’s basically a small hole 40-ft deep, with a whole bunch of pipe that leads into the house and a jet pump that sucks up water like a kid drinking milk through a crazy-straw. The water is amazing, clean clean clean. But last week we didn’t have water for a week. Well problems. Result: I smelled like a horse.

Since father and I are handymen, we decided we’d give it a go and try to fix it. Problems: we didn’t know where the well was, the town plans were vague, and we didn’t know what the fuck we were doing. To remedy the first problem I went online to search for metal detectors. I figured that was the best way to go. Luckily I found this guy in Scarborough that rented them out. On my way back from dropping off the equipment we rented, I had this hankering for something thirst quenching and old school: A Slushy. I was sticky, hot, and thirsty. What better way to put out that fire? (NOTE: the rest of this post has absolutely nothing to do with farm living, the intro just got out of hand)

So I get to the nearest Max Milk Convenience store and head for the slushy (They call them Frosters?) machine and I see this huge poster for their new flavour campaign. “BLOODY ZIT FROSTER” I stared at it, turned my head, and thought:

Who the fuck wants to eat that?

As if that weren’t bad enough, on the counter between the slushy machine and some outdated arcade fighting game there were individually packaged, free “flavour enhancements”. I read each of the packages: dried scabs, puss powder, oily blackheads and flesh-eating bacteria. Who thought of this? It must’ve been a bunch of old guys whose balls haven’t seen action since Miami Vice was hot shit. All that expired baby-batter must be jamming up the synapses. I can just see where these new flavours are leading.

Flavour Enhancement: Candy Corn Bits

Flavour Enhancement: Sour Lemon Concentrated “Spooge”

Flavour Enhancement: Super Sweet Yeast Balls

Flavour Enhancement: Black Liquorice Toe Nails

Flavour Enhancement: Cherry flavoured blood clots

Flavour Enhancement: Popeye Cigarette “Bone Fragments”