130 words.

I was going to name this “With this many cousins, it was bound to happen. Pt 3.” But it’s not funny any more. Actually, it is still funny, but in a diferent way. Anywho, the infamous e-mail was FINALLY forwarded to me last evening. Since my aunt and cousins have the indecency to accuse me of something outside of my character, I have the indecency to post this. Here is the e-mail in its partially unaltered state (names have been removed):

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I wish you and *Groom* all the happiness in the world. For the both of you, I hope that *Groom* might begin to make an effort to have some semblance of closeness to your family as you have undoubtedly, evidently, and effortlessly achieved with his. If not that then maybe that he might, at the least, muster up the fortitude of character (if but briefly) to be a man without reverting to his natural state of shyness around your family. But if there is one thing I wish specifically for you dear, young, *Cousin/Bride*, is that you reflect upon your wedding. Reflect upon the day of as well as the days leading up to it, I hope you can see how poorly you've treated your parents, and especially your mother.

- Another Mother
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130 words. That’s all it took to stir them. Doesn’t take much.

Another e-mail was sent with the e-mail above. Both were from my Aunt, the bride’s mother. Here it is. (Director Commentary in parenthesis provided by yours truly)

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Now you have it,what do you think? (I think it’s someone’s opinion, and should’ve been ignored. It really wasn’t as bad as I had it built up in my mind to be.)

I believe you have a part in creating that nasty e-mail.
I tried to believe that you won't do it but I spent hours assessing the wordings & the date & time it was sent.
I come to the conclusion that you are involved. (I didn’t realize you were part of CSI: Toronto)

You see the time that it was sent.,your parents, *cousin from out of town* & *Aunt* were on their way to *undisclosed location*. (I’m ALONE 99.99% of the time. Being ALONE is not a new thing for me. Don’t get me confused with your daughter, I handle my own shit.)

*Texan1* & *Texan2* were still here & we ate out.

My sister *Aunt* & *Uncle* were enroute to *undisclosed location*.

What raise my suspicion too is that I found out fr. my sister that you called *Cousin from out of town* about that,I was present when my sister mentioned it & *Cousin from out of town* ignored the topic. (I called her because your son sent me, via e-mail, a threatening/accusatory e-mail. I was really pissed off and wanted to straighten it out with him in person. I didn’t have his home number and thought she might have it because she was supposed to visit him while she was in town. I didn’t call her to conspire. It’s you all that are conspiring, don’t get that shit twisted.)

The wordings will never come from anyone of my older relatives. (So with all that rock-solid evidence, yes, SURELY I could be the only one.)

What do you know about *Groom’s* shyness & being a man.He made sure he is only in the background because he wants *cousin/bride* to shine as the center of attention,isn't that more than just a man? (I don’t even know him, how would I know if he’s a man or not? Frankly, I really don’t give a shit if he is or not, I didn’t marry him.) They never ask us to shoulder their expenses,he saved to pay for it.

How can you say *Cousin/Bride* treated us poorly especially me?She worked hard to put up a nice wedding,inspite of thefact that she was working full in a new job.She barely asked my help'cause she know I have my hands full too entertaining relatives. (Barely asked your help? I think some people would debate that. Wasn’t I the one that asked, “If we’re doing all this, what’s the groom’s family doing?” Isn’t that one of the reasons why I’m being accused? Because I asked that question?) *Cousin/Bride* consulted with me & honors my advise. (I’m sure she does.)

I'm was the one who suggested to *Cousin/Bride* to ask you & *Cousin from out of town* to sing at their reception because I want to show everyone I have relatives with talents. Sorry to put you thru that (guilt tripping me isn’t going to do anything because I was happy to do it. The only think that bothered me was when your daughter said, "my two cousins will *attempt* to sing a song." We practiced and actually sang for them and she says that. Nice, real nice.) but don't take it on *Cousin/Bride* & *Groom*,they simply didn't have time to set you up with getting together to practise. Now I know not to ask. (You asked me, she didn’t. I was glad to do it and would do it again. Although I thought that the song was too easy and too slow, it was her wedding and that’s what she wanted. I had no problems with singing and was only happy to oblige.)

My brother (re: my father) will not know about this because I love him,I don't want him to feel sad . (My dad is laughing about this entire situation. It takes a lot more than an e-mail to upset him.)

As for your personal friend "R" I can't stand her display of indecent behaviour infront of everyone, my sisters said so too, I don't want her around me. (This is the only thing that pisses me off. What did she do? Grab my fucking cock and start deep throating me in front of everyone? Did she let me “hit it” from behind, while yelling “OH YEA, RAM THAT HOLE, TIGER” while all the aunts and uncles drank ice wine and talked about living in the Philippines? No. She lay comfortable beside me, head in my lap and I had my arm on her side. I guess what “R” exhibits is something you’re unfamiliar with. It’s called “Happiness” If you’re faulting her for that; I really have nothing more to say on this particular issue.)

I can only forgive when you apologize to *Bride* & *Groom* (I will do no such thing. I don’t need your forgiveness.)

*Aunt’s name withheld*

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Later in the evening, I received this from the bride’s brother:

if this is true i cannot forgive.if you know who did this then tell me and i might understand.

(fuck you and fuck your forgiveness, you’re wasting your time with this, j.)

*Cousin’s name withheld*

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I didn’t write the e-mail and furthermore, I don’t know who did. But I do know this: they’re probably pissing their pants laughing at all of you just like I am.

In terms of the forgiveness you dangle in front of me as if I were a horse and it were a delicious carrot, here’s some news: I’m not a horse and what you offer smells like shit to me. You should be the ones seeking forgiveness from me! Whatever. I still care for you all very deeply but with each bullshit e-mail I get, it’s getting harder and harder to keep those feelings up.

130 words. That’s all it took. Silly shit. If you guys really knew me you’d know I don’t write sentences like, “…your family as you have undoubtedly, evidently, and effortlessly achieved with his.” I don’t use adverbs unless I have to, they’re fucking useless. I certainly wouldn’t use them three times successively. That’s gay! I also don’t use tripartite descriptions, they’re clunky and unfashionable. There’s more in that e-mail that I can contest, but you know what? I don’t have the time or energy that some might have to analyze an e-mail for HOURS. Really though, what was so bad about the e-mail to begin with? I don’t get it? A normal person would just let it go and say, “oh fuck off, get a life”. You know what I think? Of course you do, you’ve read up to here haven’t you? I think someone got a visit from the Guilt Fairy.

Man… 130 words has spawned so much. This is really some serious BOOOOL-SHIT. Actually, come to think of it, you know what this is? It’s fucking IRONIC.

Defn: Irony – See N3rd-0 in current situation.

No, seriously though! The writer of a family gets blamed for writing a fucking e-mail that causes such ripples in their family, and the writer didn't even fucking write it!

Irony is fun!

Anyway, all I have left to say is the following:

Enjoy the lawnmower, cuz, it's a good one. And to quote, “I wish you and *Groom* all the happiness in the world.”

I really do. Good luck.