In hindsight, Mary should've said "fuck it" to Phuket.

By now you’re just getting back into the daily grind and are now hearing from co-workers and classmates alike who feel it is their duty to tell you how much they suffered over the Christmas break at the hands of the BIG BAD AIRPORT. What they neglect to tell you is the following: “I’m a Moron.” If you happen to be one of those people and are also someone that I know that doesn’t get you a “Get Out of Moron” free card. You’re still a moron. Actually, you then belong to a species: Moronis Familiaris. What makes these people morons? Read on.

Rewind back to a December 23rd 2004. This frigid evening I was watching CP24 from the safety of my bed while in the snugly warmth of my pjs, toque, and hoodie. (Yes, I wear all that shit to bed. It drops like 20 degrees north of Major Mac.) Warming my hands around a nice cup of coffee with Bailey’s mixed in for that little kick (thanks for the tip Seager), I watched as white people yelled into their cellphones and angry black people stood around at Person International waiting to commence their flights to their intended destinations. I thought, “What idiots.” Why the shit would you want to go on a flight two days before Christmas. SURVEY SAYS…… “To See Family” Fuck that. Family is family, but when you have to fly to get there during the holiday season you’re asking for deeeeeeeep ass exploration.

Fast forward one day. It’s the day before Christmas and people are really getting pissed. One sound bite I heard on the radio was of a woman yelling at an attendant, “I DON’T WANT A REFUND! I WANT A FLIGHT!” I hope she got her flight to Phuket, Thailand. (What? Too soon? Fuck you.) Getting mad at someone at the counter is like getting mad at a cup of coffee for being cold. Jesus fuck, people. ICE ON THE WINGS. If I was an attendant I would keep 20-30 ice scrapers behind the desk and would thrust them at whiney bitches while saying, “Maybe you wanna give it a go?” All smiles, of course.

One more thing. Now, this isn’t intended to be funny, ironic maybe, but not funny. If you laugh, you’re going to hell. One of the most startling images that I recalled after the Tsunami hit was of a Black gentleman who wasn’t mad at all, he was actually taking the flight delays in stride. He was joking with the reporter about how he’d probably still be here to see some basketball game. His destination was Sri Lanka. I hope that the iced wings that caused the delays was enough of a deterrent for some of those people in line. Fuck, that’d suck, eh? You get there just in time to get smoked by a 50 foot wave.

Deng that got precious at the end there. I’m tired. Sue me.