Christmas Shoes.

I complain about a lot of things, not because I'm a bitter, cynical cock, but because there is just too much out there that needs bitching about and no one takes the time to do it. Through bitching, I believe, the world might just be a better place to raise little Billy and little Shaneekwa. Exposing that which warrants bitching might prevent something similar from coming about again. So bitch people, bitch.
.....It being Christmas and all, myself being a masochist, I like to have CHFI FM 98.1 blasting all day and night. Their programmers, 2 weeks before Christmas, gather together every single Christmas song known to mankind and proceed to play them over and over. Within 24 hours the list is exhausted, but still the monotonous images of white Chirstmases and Roseascha suffering reindeer pollute the air waves.
.....I'm down with all the old Christmas songs like Bobby Helm's 1957 hit "Jingle Bell Rock" and Burl Ives' 1965 Christmas-time booty-shaker "Holly Jolly Christmas", even "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" is tolerable, but lately there's been a startling movement in the Christmas music industry to make you feel guilty as fuck for being better off than Joe-Welfare. (Did you just call me elitist? fuck you.)
.....I think, don't quote me on it because I'm just talking out of my ass here, it all started with John Lennon's 1971 recording "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" While not being overtly guilt-inducing there are some choice lines like, "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" and "And so this is Christmas, I hope you have fun" wherein I detect some sarcasm. This song, from my limited historical frame of reference, was the steam-roller that flattened tunes like "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" to pave the way for songs like the 1984 British collaborative "Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All".
.....Let's look at that song. Doing some research on it I quickly learned a few interesting, albeit useless, facts about the group Band-Aid. It was 1984, and during the time that "Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All" was being recorded there was a terrible (more than usual?) famine happening in Africa. Two Brits didn't like the idea of people starving and dying in Africa while their fellow Britons were getting fat on shit like figgy pudding. So, these two blokes (actually a man and a woman) wrote a song and ask their friends to recorded. Their friend's being the likes of Phil Collins, Jody Watley, Bono, Boy George and Sting... Anyway they wrote/recorded the tune and BANG-O, it's a Christmas classic.
.....I have such a fucking problem with this song simply because of this lyric: "And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime/The greatest gift they'll get this year is life(Oooh)/Where nothing ever grows/No rain or rivers flow/Do they know it's Christmastime at all?" Do they know it's Christmastime at all? Are you fucking kidding me? In 2003 the total population of Africa was estimated to be 851,556,000 and of those 850,000,000+ only 394,640,000 were estimated to be practicing Catholicism. Do they know it's Christmastime at all? Probably, but with more than half of the population non-Catholic they probably don't give a shit. (An Aside: I know they were trying to be cute by naming their collaborative group "Band-Aid" as in, Bands that Aid, but taking out your irony detector you will easily see that since this group only produced this one song to aid those starving in Africa in 1984 "Band Aid" takes on another meaning. Namely, a Band-aid solution to a wide spread epidemic. Good job, you British assholes, good job.)
.....Moving on.
.....When Jim Carey played the Grinch in the Seuss silverscreen adaptation in 2000 it made tons of cash. One of the gems I take away with me from that movie, other than the realization that I still love Jim Carey even though he over-acts like a motherfucker, is the "Where Are You Christmas?" tune. This song actually has two versions recorded; one by the little girl who played Cindy Lou Who, Taylor Momsen, and one by professional Barbie, uhh, singer, Faith Hill. As I loved this song in 2000 because I was a depressive fuck and no one seemed to notice me wallowing in my own shit, now, in 2004, I want to strangle the who out of Cindy Lou. Why? Not because it's a poorly written or ineptly performed song, but because it poured gasoline on the fire that would yield the worst offender of them all. Christmas Shoes.
.....Bob Carlisle, the same fool who gave us "Butterfly Kisses", brings us another shit-stain-in-stereo. Have you heard this song? Have you heard Christmas Shoes? No? Read these lyrics:

It was almost Christmas time
There I stood in another line
Try to buy that last give or two
I'm really in Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys do
And in his hands he had
A pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want it to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

They counted pennies for what seems like years
And cashier says son there's not enough here
He searches is pockets franticly
And he turned and he looked at me
And he said Momma made Christmas good in our house
Most years she just did without
Tell me Sir
What am I gonna do?
Some how I gotta buy her these Christmas shoes

So I lend the money down
I just had to help him out
And I'll never forget
The look on his face
When he said Momma's gonna look so great

Chorus

I know I won't regret some help as he thanked me and ran out
I know that God sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about

Chorus

I want it to look good
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

.....Done? Let's get started then.
.....Firstly, look at the first verse. "There I stood in another line...I'm really in the Christmas mood." What kind of sadistic fuck likes lines and shopping on Christmas?
.....Secondly, second verse, the narrator sees a little boy standing in line in front of him. "And his clothes were worn and old/He was dirty from head to toe." The image is way too much. Not only is he poor, he's dirty "from head to toe". Come on now, that's laying it on a bit thick, Bob.
.....Thridly, the chorus, or the "kicker" as I'd like to call it. "It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size/Could you hurry Sir?/Daddy says there's not much time/You see she's been sick for quite a while." I have a mother who is, more times than not, sick during the Christmas holidays. I have spent not only Christmas in a hospital, but also my birthday there because my mother has had another bout of asthma. I know for a fucking FACT that the last thing that I think of when my mom is ill, bed-ridden, and hospitalized is to buy her something. Let alone Christmas shoes. If there isn't "much time" why the fuck is this kid buying shoes? So that momma looks pretty for Jesus? Newflash, Bob. Jesus is "our savior" not "our pimp". And I think the Big J-Man was more a sandals kinda guy anyway.
.....Fourthly, the first verse after the chorus. "They counted pennies for what seems like years/And cashier says son there's not enough here/He searches is pockets franticly/And he turned and he looked at me/And he said Momma made Christmas good in our house/Most years she just did without/Tell me Sir What am I gonna do?" Now, Bob is assuming that we the listeners are putting ourselves in the place of his fictitious narrator. What would we do if we were in that position, we're made to ask ourselves. We would buy the fucking shoes, which is exactly what happens in the next verse.
.....Still, the little speeches that this kid makes that are supposed to play like soliliquies or asides are just too dripping, maybe I wouldn't buy the shoes. Maybe I'd think twice. Maybe this kid is part of a "Christmas Shoes" syndicate. Who knows. Also, pennies, Bob? PENNIES?! This couldn't be more mellow-dramatic.
.....Fifthly, and I assure you finally, the short verse after the second time the chorus is repeated. "I know I won't regret some help as he thanked me and ran out/I know that God sent that little boy to remind me What Christmas is all about" Yes, I know the over-laying messages is "to help those who can't help themselves", but the underlying message can't be missed. Jesus has a shoe fetish and what a dying mother wants more than having their child by their side is to have them out in the mall procuring a pair of shoes. This fromage of a song is a carelessly thrown together appeal to emotion. Fuck you, Bob. If I ever meet you I promise I'll tell you your song blows.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE~!@!