Boiled Nuts and Roasted Ham.

.....The first time that I experienced heated seats was earlier this year in my friend Marc's brand-spanking new BMW 328i, a stylish little get-up-and-go that'd be a great addition to any driveway. Of the heated seats I said to Marc, as my ass was being lovingly caressed by the supple leather, "It's like peeing yourself, without all the post-pee discomfort and embarrassment." We joked about the idea of them malfunctioning and what might be the result: Burnt ass.

.....Well, it seems that fiction has become reality. In a story reported by North Country Press, a paraplegic man is suing Chrysler over the malfunctioning of the heated seats in his 2004 Jeep Liberty. Apparently, Matt Beller, of Klamath Falls, who filed the suit this week in U.S. District Court in Eugene, said he was in his 2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee when the temperature of the driver's seat climbed to more than 150 degrees last Feb. 20. Beller says he has no feeling below his chest because of military injuries and said he did not know he had been burned until the next day.

.....Two things.

.....First, if he's a paraplegic why on earth does he have heated seats? He doesn't need them, it's a luxury upgrade that costs quite a bit, and I'm sure research will be done that will result in millions of men worrying about motility of their little soldiers due to their daily-drive-slash-dry-boiling of their family jewels. Seriously though, it's not like Beller's ass is experiencing any discomfort from the cold leather. The man has no feeling in his ass.

.....Secondly, even if you couldn't feel your ass burning, wouldn't you be curious of where the delicious aroma of cooked ham was emanating from?

Some of you might think this is a little cruel of me, but don't tell me you don't see the humor. If you can't, git the fack outta here.